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Wednesday, August 4, 2010

“Why did the chicken cross the road?” This simple question has baffled people for centuries. It is time we got a definitive scientific answer to this enigma. This essay will try to answer this age old riddle in a non byes scientific essay. To start we need to be sure it is even possible for poultry to cross a road. If we assume the road in question is say, a county lane, the factors involved would include the status of the road, the ratios of cow pies to soil, the amount of meat in the chicken and friction. My hypostasis was originally that the chicken would be unable to cross the road. To test my theory I went to Dr. Johan Von Strausenburger head of farm animal research at Texas A&M. During my meeting he with he said with no variables changed and no outside factors acting upon the chicken it was physically able to cross the road. He did however say he seriously doubted that under real world conditions that the chicken could cross the road. Just to be completely sure I decided to perform an experiment to test the possibility of chickens crossing lanes. At the lane where I was to do the experiment I met farmer Biff Brownstone. He said he once knew a man who supposedly saw a chicken cross a road. Brownstone then snorted and returned to his work. After meeting Biff I took readings of the various variables of the road. I then released the chicken onto the road. I was shocked to see what happened next. The chicken actually succeeded in crossing the road. Several more tests with different chickens proved that the first test wasn’t just a scientific anomaly. I do believe that this discovery will shake the scientific world for decades to come. To think an animal lacking in human intelligence was able to go through the thought the complex posses of the muscles movement needed to cross a road. It is also truly amazing to think that just 30 years ago it was not believed that animals could even walk. That being said it may be possible for a lower life form to communicate or even to think. This discovery opens many doors but also terrifying questions such as what if animals can express emotion a poses long thought to be unique to humans? To answer these questions further research is necessary. Now that’s its established that chickens can indeed cross roads (much to my surprise) we now must answer the fundamental question of why. For this I go famed animal psychologist Rupert Maunkiul. As I tell him about my studies he reacts puzzled when I told him that a chicken was able to cross the road. After several days of intense questioning we came to the fallowing thesis. While the average person may believe the chicken was motivated by such factors as food or mating we decided to dig deeper into the mind of a chicken.

The start of a satire of scientific studies. As an extra challenge (and a good writing exercise) try and finish it. I'd love to read the results.


  1. it seems rather obvious to me, unless of course the chicken is in an urban environment, there are only limited starbucks in town...and thus crossed the road to get a grande caramel machiato...becuase chickens like such things..smiles.

  2. So simple, don't you see? It was actually a RUBBER chicken, manipulated by Strausenberger...